I recently watched the video below that was extremely enlightening. In the Assertiveness 2 episode in Reflections with Auntie Debbie, she spoke eloquently about various communication styles. She also spoke in detail about how some people struggle to strike the right balance. I immediately recognized that I am afflicted with this impediment in the worst possible way.
During my formative years, I was very introverted. I kept my mouth shut and worked very hard to ensure nobody noticed me. As I grew up and gained confidence, I became very aggressive assuming that this is the only way I could be heard. With maturity came the awareness that my aggressiveness bordered on being intimidating and rude. Assertiveness is what I lacked, I needed to strike that balance between passivity and aggression. Of course, up until now, I’d never made any conscious effort to strike the ‘right balance’.
I know how frustrating it is when you don’t feel heard
Is this perhaps something you or someone you know is struggling with? If it is, I know how frustrating it is when you don’t feel heard. Being aggressive can be as frustrating and embarrassing as being passive. I have had the out-of-body experience of hearing myself express a difference of opinion, it made me cringe in embarrassment. I hated my tone and my choice of words. My voice was high-pitched and loud, and I rudely interrupted someone else to get my point across!
You might think that now I’ve identified the problem it’s an easy fix, but no! it takes practice
When I became aware that I needed to change how I communicate. I rationalized that If I practice listening and only offer my opinion when it is solicited, this would address the problem. Well, what do you know? I began to feel the same frustration I had felt previously – I was constantly being ‘talked at.” People said what they wanted to say but I never got the opportunity to respond. Whenever I did get the opportunity to speak, I felt as though the crucial point at which I should have interjected had passed so my input was no longer relevant. I kept my mouth shut !
Do you see my predicament? Previously, I had been so introverted that I didn’t think my opinion mattered. Now I was eager to express my opinion, but I couldn’t figure out a way to interject without being rude.
I sometimes still find myself raising my voice
I became aware that people would call me on the phone and talk for 30-40 minutes then hang up without once asking me what I thought. I would listen and make the appropriate responses. My side of the conversation would consist of ‘aha, yes, oh my! etc. then invariably someone else would call them and they would hang up. As Auntie Debbie mentioned in the video, it made me resentful and angry. I was soon back to being aggressive before I knew it.
Having watched the video I’ve come to the realization that there is a thin line between being assertive and being aggressive. Although I have been moderately successful recently in maintaining a neutral tone when expressing a difference of opinion, I sometimes still find myself raising my voice. If only I can manage to keep Auntie Debbie’s wise words in mind I will eventually learn how to maintain my composure! I hope that the video is as helpful for you as it was for me. Let me know what you think in the comments.
