Nicole felt adrift in a cloud of disillusionment, it appeared that the committed relationship she felt she had with Paul had only been a figment of her own imagination. She had been deluding herself all along thinking that Paul loved and wanted only her! Obviously this was not the case. The thought of a relationship without exclusivity was abhorrent, yet she had never broached the subject with Paul. In fact, she had never given any thought to discussing the conditions or even the nature of their relationship!
In retrospect, she realized that she had held Paul to standards without his knowledge or consent. He had been her first and it hurt to know that she was not enough but she was mature enough to realize that he was not entirely at fault. Nevertheless, the pain was a constant, nauseating, hard knot in her stomach that refused to go away. The rational voice in her head reasoned that her own inexperience had led her down this path. An experienced person would have voiced their expectations; how could she blame Paul for seeing other people?
Alone in her room, she consumed herself with work and only took calls from Jamaica, she had no desire to speak to Paul. Any explanation he came up with for what she had witnessed would not change the betrayal she felt or lessen her pain. Instead of dwelling on her heartache, she did her best to put it behind her. Her dad’s painfully slow recovery was all she focused on, he seemed to be improving at a slow but steady pace.
Despite the close bond she shared with her mom, she did her best to pretend that everything was fine whenever they spoke. She longed to unburden herself but it seemed selfish to seek comfort at a time when her mom was preoccupied with nursing her dad back to health. As the days turned into weeks, the heartache dulled to a vague hollowness that she was slowly becoming used to. She had blocked Paul’s number from her phone and deleted all of the messages he left on the house phone. She just was not ready to speak with him, she needed time to heal.
One morning Marie threw Nicole’s bedroom door open and ran in to draw her into a tearful embrace. Nicole had been standing at the window and Marie had all but knocked her over. “Oh, baby! your dad had another stroke, he is gone!” Marie sobbed, hugging her even more tightly. Nicole stood frozen, her arms trapped at her sides by Marie’s embrace. Abruptly her mind went blank and she was vaguely conscious that she was falling into blessed darkness.
When she came to she was lying on the carpet and Marie was pressing a glass to her lips. She obediently took a sip of water. As the cool water trickled down her parched throat everything came flooding back, her dad was dead! Sudden nausea made her scramble desperately to her feet and run for the bathroom. She retched violently and lost the meager contents of her stomach then sank to the floor and howled with grief. She was inconsolable, her dad was her favorite person, how was she ever going to live without him?
After she had composed herself, she spoke with her mom who recounted what had happened. Her dad had suffered a massive stroke in the early hours of the morning and died on the way to the hospital. Nicole was distraught, she bitterly regretted not going home. She would have been there with her dad, maybe things would have turned out differently!
Marie immediately began to make travel arrangements for their journey to Jamaica the following day. She briskly suggested that Nicole take a leave of absence from school and pack whatever belongings she needed to take with her. Nicole welcomed the flurry of activity, she packed up her laptop and an overnight bag then helped Marie make a shopping list. After doing the shopping they crammed everything into two large suitcases.
That night when Nicole tumbled into bed she was emotionally and mentally exhausted. She could no longer hold it together in the privacy of her room. The thought of never hearing her dad’s familiar bark of laughter was unbearable. The deep despair and sadness she felt were like nothing else she had ever experienced. For the first time in her life, she was not looking forward to going home. She hugged her pillow and cried like a lost, lonely child until she fell into an exhausted slumber.
