Is Your Sexual Health Ruining Your Relationship?

In my mid-thirties I was in a long-term relationship with someone who enjoyed sex as much as the other man but somehow seemed to forget it existed unless I reminded him. In some cases, he would outright say no when I begin to put moves on him (and believe me, I’ve got moves!). I would climb on top of him and begin to undress him (he’s the kind of man who sleeps in neatly ironed cotton boxers and pristine white t-shirts).

He would laughingly resist me as I undress him. I would shut him up by kissing him – he loves to be kissed and I would kiss my way down the side of his neck to his chest then suck his nipples. That’s about when he would forget why he was resisting the hot lovemaking that was about to go down!

Each time I would wonder why I had to be the one to initiate sex. Does he not find me sexy? Was I too fat? Not pretty enough? Not curvy enough? (that’s how we women tend to think). I never asked, I just kept initiating sex whenever I wanted to because he rarely did! The problem wasn’t that we did not have great sex it was that I wanted sex more often than he did! Looking back I wonder how things would have turned out if I asked those questions, maybe we could have resolved that issue? but I was young and inexperienced then – I didn’t know any better.

Isn’t it amazing that some relationships are perfect except in bed? One person is enjoying playtime and the other is suffering in silence. It can be because the man is inexperienced, inconsiderate or selfish. Similarly, some women are very shy, out of touch with their own sexuality or more preoccupied with how they look during the act than in pleasing their partner. These are all minor issues that can be easily remedied if you talk about it and work on solutions together.

In my mid-thirties I was in a long-term relationship that didn’t last. Now that I’m older and wiser, I know that if you are uncomfortable talking about sex with someone then you shouldn’t be having sex with that person! Communication is important in any relationship, so how can you have intimacy with someone you cannot openly communicate with? That being said, it becomes a major challenge when the type of sexual health issues that accompany the onset of ‘middle-age’ are to be blamed for dissatisfying sex.

Men begin to have issues at this age as well. The inability to sustain an erection, lack of libido due to low testosterone levels, back and Prostate health issues are common. I think it is well known that men are generally very reticent about discussing these matters. This has more to do with how men are socialized than with the degree of trust shared with a partner, but that is fodder for a completely different post! Suffice it to say, these conditions men experience can result in a lack of confidence which can manifest in a myriad of ways. He may stop initiating sex, become irritable and prone to angry outbursts, and may even become resentful or emotionally unavailable to his partner.

Talk about it, be honest and open about the challenges you’re having. Maybe your partner recognizes that there are challenges but they are not overly affected by it and don’t understand how severely it is affecting you. Let your partner know how you feel and be receptive to any suggestions they may put forward. If you are both willing to put your egos away and be mature about finding ways to resolve the problem this can actually strengthen your bond.

The first step towards resolving a sexual health issue is always to speak with your health care provider. It is best to do this with your partner simply because it is a great way of ensuring your partner truly understands your problem. This can help them be more empathetic as well. Depending on the situation, your health care provider will be able to assist or recommend alternative solutions to resolve the problem. Maybe you are fortunate and the only treatment needed is a minor lifestyle change or a prescription!

Obviously, there are extreme cases where the problem is not quite that simple to fix. This may mean adjusting your perception and becoming a bit more sexually innovative. One of the things to remember is that sex is cerebral – this is why pornography is such a moneymaker! Your brain is capabable of initiating sexual arousal without any physical stimulation. You can sit alone in a room and watch images on your computer screen and experience physiological responses. So whatever the scenario is, sex does not have to disappear from the relationship!

Secondly, do some research, remember that knowledge is power! you may be surprised to find out that you are not the only one experiencing that particular problem. In some cases just having thorough knowledge of what the problem is, can put your mind at ease and help you see things in an entirely different light. Speaking from personal experience, I can attest to that. DO NOT self-medicate or take any ‘natural supplements’; unless directed by your physician, you may be doing yourself more harm than good!

Finally, don’t allow this to affect your relationship! Don’t lash out like a bear with a sore paw. Your ability to work through tough problems and remain supportive of each other during challenging times will only help to solidify your partnership. A couple committed to building a relationship that is mutually beneficial and fulfilling will grow together emotionally and spiritually and have satisfying sex! In my mid-thirties I was in a long-term relationship that didn’t last because I didn’t know the importance of good communication. So I encourage you to communicate with your partner, take care of each other and enjoy great sex!