Truth be told I’m now learning how to exhale; I know it sounds clichéd but honestly when you’re of a certain age that’s when you finally get what it means. As a black Caribbean woman I was brought up to be respectful of my elders. To be mindful of societal ‘laws’ and to try as much to conform to what is ‘expected’ of me. The older I get the more I resent this expectation that I would do what ‘they’ decide is the right and correct thing to do. What about my own views? what about my own personal ambitions and expectations, what about my own yearnings and emotions?
Yes! now I know what it means to exhale and to stop caring about how I measure up. Whether or not I’m doing what a respectable woman with my peculiar background should do and whether I’m being a ‘good girl’. Today I say, to fuck with all that shit! it’s time to live out loud and enjoy everything that life has to offer! I say yes to living in the moment, I say yes to expecting only a bright future. I say yes to staying up all night with my love to drink wine and make love until the sunrise spills its light across our entwined bodies.
Yes! this is how life should be lived, I’ll have my orgasms now – a woman’s body is a fount of pleasure so I’ll go ahead and get mine! I’ll stop waiting politely to be offered, I’ll take! When it comes to orgasms I won’t take selfishly, lovemaking is like everything else in life – you must give to receive.
I want to tell you a story about the first time I forgot about ‘doing the right thing’, the ‘sensible thing’ and ‘the thing any self-respecting woman would do’ and I threw caution to the wind and accepted an invitation from a total stranger to spend a weekend on a beautiful island. Here is how it happened…
I was sitting at the bar idly making rings on a cocktail napkin with my wine glass. It was a Thursday evening and I sat at a hotel bar while waiting for my sister. My sister is a massage therapist and she was making a house call at the hotel that night and had asked me to accompany her. We planned to have a drink or two at the popular Latino bar also in the hotel before we went home. I was sitting there lost in thought when someone slid unto the barstool beside me, I felt a brush of fabric on my bare thigh and looked up. A dark broad-shouldered man was placing his drink order. He was quite tall and I mentally ticked of qualities on my mental checklist – tall check, good posture check, well-dressed check, good looking hmmm… I couldn’t tell, he was leaning forward with his face turned away from me as he spoke to the barman in a foreign accent.
I glanced around hoping to see my sister approaching and was startled when the deep timbered and heavily accented voice inquired “and what will the pretty lady have?” I looked up into mischievous eyes behind scholarly rimless glasses set in a round good natured face the colour of smooth ebony. I realized that he was waiting for an answer when he motioned to my almost empty wine glass. “I’ll have a rum and coke thanks” I responded with a smile. “Rum and coke it is” he said to the barman. He turned to look at me this time extending a hand, “my name is Henri” he said flashing me a white smile.
“I’m Sherry” I said smiling back at him. “I am very pleased to meet you mi cheri amor he said as his big hand enveloped mine. “Are you alone or with someone?” he asked, “I’m actually waiting for someone” I said as the barman returned with our drinks setting mine down on a new napkin. “Well, cheers” Henri said raising his glass to me “I am honored to have the company of such a beautiful lady even if for a while”. ‘On the condition that you tell me where you’re from and why you are here all alone,” I responded raising my glass to him. He laughed and looked down at his drink for a moment before he looked up at me again.
I watched as his eyes slid over me, lingering on my breasts beneath the simple black Cami I wore, before sliding down the bare expanse of crossed legs exposed by my plaid mini skirt. “I can, but I’m afraid that I will only bore you,” he said grinning as he sipped his drink. “Tell me anyway,” I said, “Well, I am originally from Africa but I live in Washington DC for the moment,” he said. “Oh! that is why you have the very cool accent!” I said teasingly, “And what do you do in Washington?”.
“I am a business consultant, in fact, that is why I am visiting your country” he explained. “Oh I see” I said intrigued. “What are you working on here?” I asked “I came for a series of government meetings” he said evasively. “Then I leave on Saturday for Barbados to do the same there”. “Oh! leaving so soon? I hope you were able to see a bit of the city ?” “Not at all” he responded smiling ruefully. “Unfortunately I had back-to-back meetings over the past 3 days.
He reached into his pocket and handed me a business card, I looked at it and realized he was being self-deprecating when he said he was a business consultant, he was a lot more than that and I was impressed. ‘”I have been getting back to the hotel between 5 and 6 pm just in time for dinner and an after-dinner drink before bed, and you? What do you do?”. “I work with a management consultancy firm,” I said. “Interesting, what kind of work?” he asked looking directly at me. “I’m the Director’s assistant,” I said. “I see! ” he said leaning closer, “So do you work on weekends Ms. Sherry?” he asked looking intently at my lips which I couldn’t help licking nervously at that precise moment.
It dawned on me that I found this man very attractive somehow, he wasn’t what I would call good looking, he was big and tall, I could tell that he had been quite fit and muscled at some point. He was beginning to show signs of the thickening middle which is typical of a man who spends the majority of his time sitting behind a desk. There was something warm and earthy about him, something that drew me in and I was beginning to feel an electric current of sexual tension building. “No I rarely work on weekends,” I said. “And what does a beautiful woman such as yourself do on weekends?” he asked as he continued to let his eyes run lazily over me.
I resisted the urge to yank my skirt down and reached for my drink instead, he watched as I took a sip and swallowed almost choking, his gaze was so intent it was almost as though he was running his hot tongue along my throat. “I hang out with my sister and her kids mostly” I responded. “My sister is a massage therapist so sometimes I come here with her if she has a house call” I explained. “Oh, your sister is a massage therapist? Maybe I should book a massage then” he said thoughtfully. “Yes you should, she is very good,” I said quickly.
He leaned in very close to me and I could smell the intoxicating hint of rum on his warm breath, then he abruptly kissed me! It was fleeting but warm and moist, his lips were incredibly sweet and surprisingly soft, I jerked my head back in shock! he withdrew but kept his eyes on me as I stared at him wide-eyed. “Do you always kiss women you just met?” I asked. “Only when they are as beautiful and kissable as you are Sherry, why don’t you spend the weekend in Barbados with me,” he said. I could tell that he was aroused by the brief kiss and suddenly I was too!
I stared at him mutely not quite knowing what to say, my thoughts were a jumble but deep down I knew I wanted this man in the most primal way. I wanted to wrap my legs around his waist and feel him thrusting strong and deep into my slick throbbing core! my heart was racing and my palms were moist. “Are you seriously asking me to come to Barbados with you?” I asked, half pretending to be shocked by the notion. “Yes my Sherry, I can buy your ticket tomorrow, please say yes”. “Oh I don’t think you’re serious!” I said laughing nervously “I’m very serious, please say yes, we can spend a lovely weekend together and you can return on Monday” he said reaching for my hand. “Return on Monday? I can’t! I have to be at work on Mondays” I said. “I can pay you for the day, in fact let me pay you a week’s wages” he said as he leaned in close to me again.
I wasn’t listening to him, money was the last thing on my mind, I could feel his breath on my face and I know he was going to kiss me again, my nipples were puckering beneath my cami and I suddenly regretted not wearing a bra. I quickly withdrew my hand from his and folded my arms across my breasts. “I’ll give you five minutes to say yes,” he said turning to signal the bartender for refills.
I sat there feeling a bit lightheaded, the type of lightheaded feeling that had more to do with my own arousal and the accompanying heady feeling of feminine power and less to do with alcohol. Suddenly I noticed my sister making her way over to the bar and I waved a hand, she strode over quickly and immediately leaned over the bar to order. “Hey, how did it go?” I asked as she turned around, “it went well, but oh my God I’m so hot!” she exclaimed downing her glass of water. “I’d like you to meet Henri” I said turning her around by the shoulder, “Henri this is my sister Jacqui” I said to him. “A pleasure to meet you Jacqui” he said graciously, “Sherry tells me you are a massage therapist” “Yes I am” she said reaching into her tote to hand him a card.
“May I buy you a drink?” he asked as he slid the card into a pocket. “Thank you but we are relocating to the Latino Bar” she responded. “Are you ready to go?” she asked me. “Sure” I said finishing my drink and sliding off the bar stool. “Where is the Latino Bar?” Henri asked looking from me to her enquiringly. “It’s in the lobby” I responded. “Do you mind if I come along?” he asked looking at me pointedly, “Sure, the more the merrier!” Jacqui responded before I could answer and led the way out. Henri and I fell into step behind her and he held my hand as we made our way among the dinner tables set out on the pool deck. I could hear the pulsating beat of Latino music as we drew closer to the small bar in the hotel lobby. When we got there I saw that there was already a lively crowd, some people were dancing and others seated at tables were talking and laughing.
We secured a table and Henri ordered drinks, it was way too loud for normal conversation and he kept my hand in his squeezing occasionally so that I would look at him. Each time I looked at him he mouthed “say yes!” and I laughed. Jacqui was tapping her feet to the music and watching the dancers, I leaned over and spoke in her ear. “This guy wants to take me to Barbados for the weekend” I said, she gave me a startled look, “Seriously? what did you say?” she asked. “I haven’t said anything as yet, but that’s not all” I said laughing at the look on her face. “He has also offered to pay me for my time! As if taking me on a trip wasn’t enough!” She looked horrified! I felt the ridiculous urge to laugh even more!
I knew I was going to say yes to Henri, In fact, the moment he asked I was taken aback but now it somehow did not seem weird at all! but I wanted to see just how much he really wanted my company and just how far he would go to get it. I wriggled the fingers of my hand that he held and he immediately looked at me and smiled. I leaned over and spoke into his ear “how much would you pay me to say yes?”, “how much do you want?” he asked immediately.
I was surprised he was leaving it up to me and I decided to tell him an amount I was sure he would negotiate. He immediately responded “done!” I looked at him in surprise, I hadn’t expected him to agree to the amount. He leaned over again to speak into my ear “I will go and get it for you right now, don’t go anywhere” he reluctantly let go of my hand and rose to his feet. I sat there in shock thinking well, obviously, he thinks I’m worth it! I wondered for a moment if he thought I was ‘a working girl’ but I dismissed the thought – Henri looked like a man who would not find that kind of transaction appealing.
My sister looked up “is he leaving?” she asked, “He’s coming back in a bit” I said as I watched him walk away. I didn’t want to tell her what I’d done, I honestly felt she just won’t understand, hell I myself didn’t understand what I had agreed to! I just had a gut feeling that this was Ok. I felt certain this was what I wanted to do and I wasn’t going to discuss it with her and have her persuade me that it was not a good idea! So I sat there laughing along with her as we watched the antics of the folks on the dance floor and sipped our drinks.
Before long Henri was back, he slid into the seat beside me and took my hand, he pressed a wad of cash into my palm and closed my fingers around it. He placed a post-it on the table beside me and handed me a pen, “write your number for me” he said. I took the pen and wrote my number on the post-it, he folded it and put it into his shirt pocket then leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, “Goodnight mi Cheri, unfortunately, I have to leave you, but I will call you tomorrow to get your details for the ticket”.
He leaned over and shook hands with Jacqui before leaving. I sat there stunned for a moment then slowly brought my hand out from under the table and opened it, a thick roll of US hundred dollar bills spilled unto the table and Jacqui gasped, “he gave you money!?” she asked incredulously “yes he did! And I honestly didn’t expect him to give me this much!” I exclaimed. “So are you going to Barbados then?” she asked, “Yes I think I am, he said he will call me tomorrow for details to buy my ticket” I said. “Sher are you sure you want to do that? You just met this guy!” she said worriedly, “Yes, yes I know” I said.
Later as I lay in bed I marveled at my own audacity, whatever had gotten into me? I had never done anything so spontaneous in my life! To be honest I was torn between being excited about for this adventure and being scared shitless! My mind raced as I went over the worst-case scenarios in my head, he could be a murderer – nope, that didn’t seem likely. Maybe he is into weird sexual acts or maybe he was trying to kidnap me, or maybe he was lying about who he was….. ! but no my intuition told me he was just an ordinary man who was very attracted to me. Eventually, I fell asleep and dreamt of walking hand in hand with a tall stranger in an exotic garden filled with sweet-smelling roses and soft grass beneath my bare feet. I awoke with the feeling of certainty that this was meant to be, this was written in the stars or the book of destiny or whatever the hell the spiritualists called it.
To be continued…