This year, I will celebrate eleven years of marriage. In Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, he discusses Simon and Chase’s 10,000 hours theory. This theory suggests that 10,000 hours which takes about ten years of deliberate practice in a field, is required to achieve mastery.
According to the 10,000 hours theory and the ten plus years of marriage I possess, I am an expert husband! I am not a perfect husband, but I do possess sound advice for men with an interest in maintaining a long-term committed relationship.
Please take five minutes, read this blog post, and discover insight that took me ten years to uncover!
This year, I will celebrate eleven years of marriage. Despite the images in this post, I have not had a picture-perfect marriage. We’ve experienced buying our dream home and losing it five years later to foreclosure. My wife and I have three children, and together we moved abroad when our oldest was five years old. While my wife and I share an abundance of love for each other and our children, we’ve also had our fair share of fights about money, the children, and sex!
Yes, we are not exempt from the popular challenges that other marriages face. The difference lies in our commitment to each other and our willingness to admit when we are wrong. Here are three of the many things that I have learned in almost eleven years of marriage.
#1 Listen to her!
She doesn’t want a solution. No, she doesn’t want you to fix her problems. She wants you to be present in the moment and listen to her concerns. I know this is hard because fixing stuff is what men believe we need to do in life. Resist that antiquated belief system and grow to see your other roles in a relationship. In my ten years of marriage, I have discovered that providing an attentive ear to my wife is often the best thing that I can do for her whenever she is experiencing challenges.
#2 Your wife is not only there to fulfill your sexual fantasies!
This is hard to swallow! Pun not intended. Well… Real talk, your wife is not in your life to do all the things you may have seen in pornography. Don’t get me wrong, sex is an incredible gift from God. When love is at the center of intimate exchange, it has the potential to act like the crazy glue that bonds two souls. It’s also important to realize that sex is one of many activities that help to strengthen the connection between a married couple. Finding creative ways outside of the bedroom to demonstrate your love is critical in the creation of a long-lasting relationship.
#3 Do “her” job!
Despite some progress in our society, we continue to practice sexist divisions in our households. We delegate women to cook, clean, and nurture the children. There are shared responsibilities in healthy marriages. I wash the dishes every day. My wife is by far a better cook than I am and often takes the lead in preparing meals during the week. However, every Saturday and Sunday morning I cook breakfast for the family. It’s 2021, don’t be scared of the kitchen!
If I lost you somewhere in this post, hopefully, these last few words will find you
Invest your time, energy, love, and patience into your partner, and the return will be utter bliss. Continue this year with positive actions. Listen to your spouse. Demonstrate creativity in your expressions of love. Write her poetry, cook her favorite meal, stop whatever you’re doing and really listen to her, and clean the house every now and then.
Grab my book, Dear Brother: 82 Powerful Poems to Guide Your Journey to Healthy Black Masculinity, to learn more about the principles that can help you strengthen your relationships in 2021 and beyond.
Dr. Vernon C. Lindsay, Ph.D., is a Chicago native currently living in Antigua and Barbuda. He is a professor in the Education Enhancement Department at the American University of Antigua College of Medicine. Through campus initiatives, including Men’s Cave Mentoring, and other responsibilities, he uses his passions for teaching, writing, mentoring, and the martial art of Capoeira. He is happily married to the mother of his daughter and two sons.
